I used to think I was - what they call - a pedophile. The truth was though that I had been introduced to strong sexual situations at a very young age, encouraged to have sexual encounters with other people older, younger, and of the same age as me. With the child's capacity to block out such occurances, I moved on, but it was my unconscious that these sexual events lived on, waiting until I was in my late teens and in my twenties to arise as what were pathological thoughts that I felt I had to repress and feel confused about. As the memories were non clear, they only surfaced sometimes, when a news report on child sex abuse was on, or of the controversy that surrounds pedophilia was made manifest in the media and by my contempories and fellow travellers. I did non know how to take control of my mind due to the way I was treated by the - confused themselves - adults I had dealings with as a child, dealings of a sexual nature. Though a child can find sexuality relevant, it is a super-ficial, undeveloped sexuality that has no place in the life of a child, nor in legacy forms as an adult.
It was while I was living on my own, on a benefit, due to having left several workplaces because of unclear yet acute flashbacks, that I was able to explore my feelings and mental conditioning that I had undergone as a child; through meditation and prayer, from what i had learned from studying several of the world's religions, I was able to withstand the re-emergence of my memories from child-hood of sexual misadventure, both by myself and by others. And after a few years of intense searching and growth, I was finally able to enter the clear light of truth about what had happened to me, I was whole, I felt re-born.
So I realised that I was non a pedophile, I just had unclear memories of sexual situations involving children, I felt so good and clean with this revelation, a heavy burdan was lifted, even my senses seemed stronger after years of repression and hurt, I existed in the clear light that the cosmos always wanted to me live in.
Now when I see children naked or near naked, or involved in mature matters, I look at them with an honest relevant knowledge of their mental and physical gender issues, and that I as a 'grown-up', am here to protect and guide, and non find any base pleasures in a growing natural sexuality.
So next time you hear or know about someone being accused of being a pedophile, know that they might be in a world of intense darkness and confusion, of possible hurt and behavioural dislocation due to their having an unconscious poisoned by an overly sexualised media, and a sometimes sexually confused society.
Oh my gosh...this really helps. But still confused. How did you get help...how were you able to talk about it? I really need guidance...Im an 18 (almost 19) year old female and really scared of my thoughts and urges. PLEASE I need help...
ReplyDeleteyou need to be completely honest with your thoughts, remember your thoughts are not really you, they are from 'the other', the other can take form as in parents, teachers, friends, school mates, people on tv and in magazines, even fictional characters and novels and comics! etc. Try and define where your thoughts came from, forget for now the ego (self) as it is a complex nexoidal interposed device thingy and is too complex to think about, unless you are a genius like me that is :) (psst you too can be a "genius"). Talking to others about serious things like pedophilia and suicide and crimes is a tricky job, as they can get the authorities in on it, and they can be totally unhelpful, all they want is to put you on medication and beat you down with their own institutional bull manure. Just be honest with your self, your self, your self!!! Talk to the sky, or a tree, or a animal, your mind is wired to "reply" as asking YOUR SELF like this seaches your mind for the correct heading.
DeleteBe careful to not be too negative on your self or others, this can cause things that are not right/liked. Be super honest with yourself and others, but be careful to not disturb others, some people are on a path where they can non handle your truth.
Remember you are in actual reality a pure beautiful person, sometimes we just get caught up in THE OTHER!!! YOU are as perfect as one can get, and the fact that you recognise that some of whats in your mind, or things you have done or has been done to you is wrong, is a great healthy start to becoming clear, to become THE WAY. The way of the cosmos (Kosmos) and the god(s), and the various messengers of god(s)/cosmos :)
The word "god" comes from german and means "voice"/"to invoke", who's voice do you speak with?
beware distraction! and if your mind feels like it is being ripped in two, or that you are going "mad", just relax and be honest with what is going on in your head, forgive yourself/others; be the master/mistress of your mind; if you dont like a certain chain of thought, overcome the thoughts with new thoughts, say to your self i can control my own mind, say it to yourself until it feels right. Imagine the solution to what is going on you dont like. Imagine a better you/world, and live it!
DeleteIgnore negative toxic people who can distract you with their own troubles, tell THEM to get better!!! They are non/not your problem, be polite with them and yourself at all times, but if you have to shout "I think things here could do with some improvement!!!" than by all means say/shout it out!!! but remain in control... keep sane, keep sound, be sound, be soulful and smooth and super deliciously cool :) you can solve any problem, just imagine the improvement and live it/be it.
Maybe you can non remember the origins of your problems, maybe the answer is the quietist thought/memory in your head, test who is to blame, say to your self in your mind, "where did i go wrong" "why did go wrong" "who/what influenced this wrong", how can i fix this/it/things?!
how can I fix things/get better.
never hurt yourself or others with either words or body damage!!! be polite always, even if that means you come across a little snobby, say "hmmm, things could be a bit better here i think", say to yourself or others.
That thing that happened in the past or what you think you/others may do in the future, imrpove on it untill you have the clear solution way!
can you remember 'the other' where your troubling thoughts and urges come from?
DeleteRemember thinking about sex or other things is never wrong, just be patient with the thoughts and urges and imagine a better way.
Be logical and hygienic in all things. Sex is very powerful when in teens and twenties, any perversions learned will connect with that power, be pure, be understanding with yourself/others, over come it. Just have a cup of herbal tea and relax, and smile at what the world/dna does to us :)
BEWARE PERVERSION/DISTRACTION from the correct logical hygienic way of things!
Read medical encyclopedias (online or at library) and wikipedia about sexual matters to become informed and whole about things?
is what i have written above relevant to you? just pick out what is relevant to you and let the irrelevant be what it is :)
peace to you and yours, beware distraction!
It was living on my own, taking long soulful walks, that i came to realise how to work my own mind and not be a slave to 'the other' :)
DeleteBe you, be not someone else :) be aware of distraction!
Know yourself, analyze yourself, be not afraid of your self, love your self, it's not your fault, it's not really other people fault either, it's just the gigantic chain of wrong that pops up in our lives sometimes :) overcome, over come, over come, overcome :)
Beware distraction / Be aware of distraction! :)
I have an extremely difficult question to ask you here. You seem to be one of the few people who can help me, and I don't know much else.
ReplyDeleteFor years, ever since I was 16 (I'm 19 now) I've even feeling very uncomfortable around children. Not exactly sexual arousal, but more of a fear, an uncertainty.
As a child, I've been through things that I wish have never happened, and things were done to me, but I swear I'd never harm a kid in my life.
I've hated myself for years. I've wanted to die, to kill myself but always stopped short of something.
Nobody will help me because I can't tell anybody, or risk being tossed into jail because I have little control over my hormones and my mind.
I just don't know how to differentiate anymore, but my moral compass still knows when to feel guilty. Problem is, I'm always guilty because I seem to always be horny for some reason.
I've never done anything to a child, not will I ever, but why do I feel this way? What do I do about it?
And am I really capable of becoming a better person, or am I doomed to be a sicko pedophile freak forever?
I just don't know what to do anymore.
Your life/mind has had an experience; have you had sexual activity in childhood initiated by more mature forms? This can leave a legacy of acceptability on our base unconscious "self" of "sexual/gender" shapes that have an affect.
ReplyDeleteIs the issue truly you, or what has been done/told to you. "Sex"/Gender issues are the whole to our human dimension, any pathological connection to our "sex" life can be a real sticky situation.
Know this, the shapes of "sex" exist with pre puberty children, but non the actual reality of "Sex". Just let the feelings flow, no repression (except in physical action so you are non doing anything illegal/harmful to yourself/other) - question what is inside your head, and what your chemical body is reacting to, either through the eyes/ears/memory/ something told to you when you were younger and not a full cognitive agent etc.
You can control away a unfair memory, resolve, reimagine the memory/current feelings unwanted, be th emaster of your mind/body/life.
be the good (above board) healthy person you want to be, and you know you are really deep down.
Study the medical/cultural technical side of what is going on in your head/body.
Be careful not to do anything that will get you into trouble with any institution/groupthink aparatus (police psychiaty etc)
In my childhood I've seen things, and older people have done things to me.
DeleteThings that I'm not find of remembering.
But myself, I swear that I've never done anything illegal except for a train ticket fine.
The thoughts and the confusing feelings, they're just not mine. It's a disease, a troubling illness, only I can control it most of the time. Or i just forget it and it comes back later.
Physical restraint isn't too hard, it's the mental things that get to me.
Might be young adult hormones, might be chemical imbalance, you're right about everything you've replied.
And I'll try to follow your advice the best I can.
But there is hope, isn't there?
Am I as lost as I sometimes feel?
Hope is non a false ideal, as you grow/age you will know your "true self" more and more, things will bother you less in a way as you realise that the world is really one giant groupthink abuse machine :) we are all lucky non to be killed at any time :)
Deletejust flow with your feelings, write down your feelings and write letters to those who may of diverted your gender-chrono path somewhat, you may non even have to send the letter as sometimes just externalising the issues helps greatly. Be careful that your writing/drawings/paintings/videos about your feelings/thoughts/memories do non get into the hands of someone who might be disturbed by the contents, do you know what i mean?
i will paste the reply to a person who commented earlier on my blog post ok :)
begin copy: you need to be completely honest with your thoughts, remember your thoughts are not really you, they are from 'the other', the other can take form as in parents, teachers, friends, school mates, people on tv and in magazines, even fictional characters and novels and comics! etc. Try and define where your thoughts came from, forget for now the ego (self) as it is a complex nexoidal interposed device thingy and is too complex to think about, unless you are a genius like me that is :) (psst you too can be a "genius"). Talking to others about serious things like pedophilia and suicide and crimes is a tricky job, as they can get the authorities in on it, and they can be totally unhelpful, all they want is to put you on medication and beat you down with their own institutional bull manure. Just be honest with your self, your self, your self!!! Talk to the sky, or a tree, or a animal, your mind is wired to "reply" as asking YOUR SELF like this seaches your mind for the correct heading.
Be careful to not be too negative on your self or others, this can cause things that are not right/liked. Be super honest with yourself and others, but be careful to not disturb others, some people are on a path where they can non handle your truth.
Remember you are in actual reality a pure beautiful person, sometimes we just get caught up in THE OTHER!!! YOU are as perfect as one can get, and the fact that you recognise that some of whats in your mind, or things you have done or has been done to you is wrong, is a great healthy start to becoming clear, to become THE WAY. The way of the cosmos (Kosmos) and the "god(s)", and the various messengers of god(s)/cosmos :) I pray to 'the four winds' for purelands and flow.
The word "god" comes from german and means "voice"/"to invoke", who's voice do you speak with?
Matthew D N Parsons7 April 2013 18:20
beware distraction! and if your mind feels like it is being ripped in two, or that you are going "mad", just relax and be honest with what is going on in your head, forgive yourself/others; be the master/mistress of your mind; if you dont like a certain chain of thought, overcome the thoughts with new thoughts, say to your self i can control my own mind, say it to yourself until it feels right. Imagine the solution to what is going on you dont like. Imagine a better you/world, and live it!
DeleteIgnore negative toxic people who can distract you with their own troubles, tell THEM to get better!!! They are non/not your problem, be polite with them and yourself at all times, but if you have to shout "I think things here could do with some improvement!!!" than by all means say/shout it out!!! but remain in control... keep sane, keep sound, be sound, be soulful and smooth and super deliciously cool :) you can solve any problem, just imagine the improvement and live it/be it.
Maybe you can non remember the origins of your problems, maybe the answer is the quietist thought/memory in your head, test who is to blame, say to your self in your mind, "where did i go wrong" "why did go wrong" "who/what influenced this wrong", how can i fix this/it/things?!
how can I fix things/get better.
never hurt yourself or others with either words or body damage!!! be polite always, even if that means you come across a little snobby, say "hmmm, things could be a bit better here i think", say to yourself or others.
That thing that happened in the past or what you think you/others may do in the future, improve on it untill you have the clear solution way!
Matthew D N Parsons7 April 2013 18:30
can you remember 'the other' where your troubling thoughts and urges come from?
Remember thinking about sex or other things is never wrong, just be patient with the thoughts and urges and imagine a better/cleaner/healthier way.
Be logical and hygienic in all things. Sex is very powerful when in teens and twenties, any perversions learned will connect with that power, be pure, be understanding with yourself/others, over come it. Just have a cup of herbal tea and relax, and smile at what the world/dna does to us :)
BEWARE PERVERSION/DISTRACTION from the correct logical hygienic way of things!
Read medical encyclopedias (online or at library) and wikipedia about sexual matters to become informed and whole about things?
is what i have written above relevant to you? just pick out what is relevant to you and let the irrelevant be what it is :)
peace to you and yours, beware distraction!
Matthew D N Parsons7 April 2013 18:37
It was living on my own, taking long soulful walks, that i came to realise how to work my own mind and not be a slave to 'the other' :)
Be you, be not someone else :) be aware of distraction!
Know yourself, analyze yourself, be not afraid of your self, love your self, it's not your fault, it's not really other people fault either, it's just the gigantic chain of wrong that pops up in our lives sometimes :) overcome, over come, over come, overcome :)
Beware distraction / Be aware of distraction! :)
Be forgiving to yourself and others about gender-chrono issues, it is a very sticky subject.